“It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.”

“It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times its length in inches when limp.”

“I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.”

“We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.”

“Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what's more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.”

“When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.”

“My ears are as blind as my eyes are deaf. But my nose, it can see the truth, except when I block its line of site with my index fingers.”