“It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.”

“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I have to say about the school itself, as it’s so bland that if it were a food it would be oatmeal. Cold oatmeal.”

“It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time the state’s residents don’t know how to cope. Probably there are more suicides on these two days in Florida than in a whole year of Seattle’s drizzly existence.”

“I used to spend a lot of time in lap pools. Growing up I was on a few swim teams. In Florida all there is to do is surf, swim, golf, and try to pick up single women at the retirement home.”

“Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.”

“When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.”

“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.”