“It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.”

“She said, “You disgust me. How do you live with yourself?” So I said, “Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.”

“The first man to successfully clone himself deserves to pat himself on the back. And then give himself a back massage.”

“When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.”

“My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.”

“I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.”

“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand. It’s friendly, but it lets them know I’m into boundaries. And unless they’re a cartographer, they have to be made aware of this fact.”