“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.”

“I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.”

“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”

“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.”

“Love reminds me of when I was six and had a pet goldfish named “Silverbird” that I carried around the house, petting it like a cat. Needless to say it died. So I ate it.”

“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.
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“Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old material you can’t write new material, and you must remember all you’ve written and read, so you are not duplicating already existing writing.”