“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.”

“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob.
”

“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.”

“ubiquitous, adj.When it’s going well, the fact of it is everywhere. It’s there in the song that shuffles into your ears. It’s there in the book you’re reading. It’s there on the shelves of the store as you reach for a towel and forget about the towel. It’s there as you open the door. As you stare off into the subway, it’s what you’re looking at. You wear it on the inside of your hat. It lines your pockets. It’s the temperature.The hitch, of course, it that when it’s going badly, it’s in all the same places.”

“Getting dumped is crazy times. Like … what? You’re supposed to instantly turn off all your emotions just because he says it’s over? You’re supposed to go on with your life like nothing happened?”

“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind. It’s like you see them through a special lens — but maybe if it’s how you see them,that’s how they really are. It’s like the whole tree falling in the forest thing.”