“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants, for instance, and while you’re pondering that, take a moment to gaze at my penis.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”

“Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen Kelleresque.”

“Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked.
”

“I like to hike in state parks, but one thing I can’t stand is pants. So I don’t wear any. My wallet is tube shaped. Can you guess where I keep it?”

“If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter day. I’ll let you borrow them sometime, maybe even this summer. I recommend wearing them in conjunction with my Sensitivity Pants, which are so tight they show the emotion betrayed by your crotch.”

“It’s sad when people want to wear out a perfectly good last name when they don’t have any other pants. Idea for a pen name: Johnny Nudity.”