“It’s not yummy gum if there’s no bubble. Just ask the Federal Reserve.”

“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for success to come to you. Sometimes you just have to create it out of nothingness. Just ask the Federal Reserve.”

“A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money.
”

“It was May 2009, and I didn’t like where the economy was headed. (I wished the Federal Reserve had a GPS or a map or some clue as to where they were driving the economy). Actually, the private sector drives the economy, while the Fed and the government just siphon gas out of the tank.”

“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.”

“A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.”

“I’ll tell him this isn’t just a job to me, it’s a career, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I’ll surely never take for granted. Will I work nights, weekends, and holidays? There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted to do more. Am I OK with making $8.50/hr and no benefits? $8.50?! That’s exactly my desired pay, and I’ll be so grateful and content with it that I’ll never, ever ask for a raise.”