“It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.”

“If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead. No, I’d assume I was simply hiding.”

“The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.”

“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be able to count on my friends.”

“The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.”

“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.”

“A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself. 
”