“I’ve decided to cut back on my sugar intake by applying it externally, as a dermal abrasion.”

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.”

“I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter.”

“My lips touched hers, like two butterflies in the wind. Then I went home, cut off my eyelids, and I’ve been living in darkness since.”

“I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.”

“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.”

“I like cream and sugar in my sleep.”