“I’ve got a life. I spend all my time dreaming of a new life.”

“I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I just have to build a house around it.”

“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.” This is the speech I’ve prepared to tell my wife in the future, when I’m spending a majority minus one percent of my time with my clones.”

“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird, and decides to chomp down on his competition. It happens all the time in the real world.”

“I am who I’ve been pretending to be my whole life.”

“I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.”

“I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.”