“I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.”

“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.”

“I’ll see a cat and instinctively start petting the hair on my back.”

“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.”

“I’ve got my hair conditioned. It’s not trained, but it is soft.”

“I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan on utilizing my mattress.”

“Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.”