“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.”

“When somebody tells me they’ve had a bad day, I always respond in a somber voice, “Yes, I’ve had one of those too. August 15, 2004.”

“Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.”

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.”

“I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”

“I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.”

“A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.
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