“I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer.”

“I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.”

“I’m a nail biter. Not when I’m nervous, but when I misplace my hammer.”

“I’ve often wondered why boxing gloves are bright red. If I were a boxer, I’d wear camouflage colored boxing gloves so my opponent would never see my punches coming.”

“I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.”

“I had an arranged marriage. If I didn’t, how would anybody know when and where to show up?”

“He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.”