“Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you don’t. It’ll be a holiday that honors freedom.
”

“Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else to talk to. Jarod Kintz is also a liar and a thief, and that’s why I think he’d make a great politician.
”

“Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.”

“My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.”

“A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes.”

“My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.”

“Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday. 
”