“Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.”

“I always wear size 14 boat shoes that are so old they could have been built by Noah.”

“If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings of light who give off enough energy so I can be a night nudist.”

“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob.
”

“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.”

“I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.”

“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE.”