“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

“The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.”

“Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

“I wanted a ponytail for my 16th birthday, but daddy never bought me one. He thought that not only would I not be able to ride it, but it would also be unsuitable for a young lady to be a young man.”

“A cake for all is not a celebration of one. Cupcakes are the ultimate birthday cake.”

“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When I found out I was going to be a father, I wanted to meet a man I’d never met—my dad, who also just found out he was a father when I introduced myself. I never got to tell him I loved him before he died, but from the way I gently but forcefully held his head underwater, I think he could tell.”

“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday as me? He’d better, because without me, there’d be nothing for him to celebrate.”