“Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?
”

“My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.”

“Can you tell by where my eyes are looking what I’m thinking? Hint: I’m staring directly at your vagina.”

“If you ask me to describe what I look like, I’ll simply say, “I look like my clone.”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”

“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.”

“Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.”