“Laying on top of me is better than laying on a bed, because a bed doesn’t give off rising heat, or supply a functioning erection.”

“Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”

“A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.
”

“A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.
”

“I wish my erection pointed inwards. But it doesn’t, it points directly at you.”

“If you want me, you’d better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited.”

“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.”