“Life insurance is a dying industry.”

“Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.”

“I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”

“A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.”

“When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased.
”

“My hand inside a glove is like a painting in a frame, and should be insured as such. The things my hand makes have immense value, so how much more valuable is the thing that makes the things?”

“I was a bellman once. A bellman of love. The hospitality industry taught me a lot about romance, and proper gratuity etiquette.”