“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.”

“The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.
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“If you're looking to take a long, beautiful drive through life, you might not want to take the cynic view.”

“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.”

“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22”

“Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.
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“Funerals and weddings often take place in the same location. Some would also argue that they sometimes happen at the same time too.”