“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.”

“I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.”

“I’m in love with the customer service at Walmart. And by customer service I mean the customer is forced to self-checkout because there are two open lanes and 200 people trying to check out.”

“Leave your village, and conquer yourself before you conquer the world. That’s what I did—I left my village. And once I master myself, I’m coming to a village near you to loot and pillage.”

“I’m 6’3”, but you would think I was Napoleon’s height because I’m slouched over with poor posture, and I have a lust for conquering Europe.”

“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.”