“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to contain half of Satan’s DNA.”

“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.”

“The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.”

“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you’re the dumb one.”

“Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.”

“He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.”

“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!”