“Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.”

“Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.”

“Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more—can fit inside my imagination. And guess what? My imagination tastes like chicken noodle soup.”

“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.”

“Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.”

“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my pee smell.”

“I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.”