“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”

“I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.”

“I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.”

“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.”

“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.”

“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife’s heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands.”