“Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.”

“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.”

“A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.”

“If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.”

“Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with me for free.”

“I want to share my thoughts with you. Press your forehead firmly against mine, and let my mind transfer to yours. You won’t receive love, because that’s a feeling, and best communicated with a kiss.”

“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today?
-No, I’m taking her out this afternoon?
-Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!”