“Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.”

“Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just puke.”

“I’m looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don’t snuggle, you must cuddle—at a world champion level.”

“My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.”

“A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.”

“The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.”

“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”