“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.”

“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface of the moon with a protective layer of sunscreen. If you care about albinos and the environment, you’ll see this is a good idea. And hey, it’s a better use of taxpayer funds than bailing out private banks.
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“Most advances in technology occur because they’re either trying to impress women or blow things up. It’s as predictable as the sunrise.”

“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”

“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”

“Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.”