“Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.”

“What is life without death? That's like asking what is peanut butter without jelly? Or a baseball game on TV and changing the channel? Or government without taxes? Actually, I like those last two.”

“I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).”

“Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.”

“The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.”

“I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.”

“Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.”