“Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.”

“I’ll tell you about love on one condition: that you give it to me unconditionally.”

“I’ve got my hair conditioned. It’s not trained, but it is soft.”

“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.”

“I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly ½ of the population known as women.”

“I also should have come up with a product description.”

“Women are like convertibles: They should be topless. Also, they should stay in the garage. I mean kitchen. No, I mean bedroom. Damnit, I guess they can roam freely about the house.”