“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.”

“If love smelled like cheese, as some people assume it does, then I'd rather be a goat and make love all day long.”

“I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed like a cowboy would get off my back.”

“Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.”

“She doesn’t return my phone calls. I’d like them back, unopened.”

“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.”

“Looking at you in a mirror makes you more of an ally than an opponent, because I’m standing next to you, rather than across from you. In fact, you are across from you, so you are your own opponent. And I’ll gladly stand by your side and help you defeat yourself.”