“Loyalty is for the dogs. Count me among the cats. And count me twice—once for each of my faces.”

“This is America. Every vote counts. Sometimes twice, if it helps me get elected.”

“Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).”

“Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a cat.”

“I vote to have my vote voided—which means my vote won’t count even when it counts, and it will count even when it won’t count.”

“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.”

“The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that if I don’t write I’ll have wasted my time here on earth.”