“Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.”

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

“A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A brick works best, however, when the focus of your lust is the brick itself. 
”

“If I could capture the rays of the sun in a can, I'd paint a canvas with it and have you look at my work until the memory of my work was burned in your mind and your retinas burned out.”

“I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don't come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that.”