“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer than my truthfully aroused penis.”

“A brick could be used to show how patient you are. Somewhere between one brick and a million bricks lies a home. For me, my home is one brick, and I carry it with me wherever I go, because I’m always on the move. Maybe one day, when I’m a wealthy man, I’ll get a second brick and walk around with my mansion in my hands.
”

“I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to hold my lighter?”

“I’ll put an oven mitt on before I handle anything hot—including my penis.”

“If you drive the same car as me, and have been in a fender bender, I’ll think, “Boy, that’s what my car could look like.” Same with clones. If one of my clones got beat up, I’ll think, “Boy, that could have been me. Better me squared than me.”

“I’ll insist my competitor is the greatest, so that when I beat him, I won’t be calling myself the greatest—I’ll be proving it through my actions.
”

“I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.”