“Men and women think about love differently. The main difference is that men simply don’t think about it.”

“It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks.”

“If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.”

“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.”

“Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.
”

“When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.”

“Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be if all women cared about were looks? The plastic surgeon’s office, that’s where.”