“Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.”

“Dream dialogue: 
-Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different.
-But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and that’s why I’m crying.”

“I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.”

“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.”

“We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”

“I’m like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest approximation I have to a description of love. I would offer you something to drink, but I’m not in the kitchen, even though it may sound like I am.”

“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who only has an English degree that’s not even worth the paper it’s printed on, the paper I folded into an origami dragon and lit on fire.”