“Messages written across the chest of women’s t-shirts are great, because I can stare at their tits like they are literature.”

“It was one-way glass, and I was on the inside and she was on the outside. She was looking at me with the confidence of a woman who knows she won’t be scrutinized for scrutinizing me, and I was looking at her like I normally look at myself—though she probably thought I was staring at her breasts. Well, can you blame me? I had a stain on my shirt—and she had great tits.”

“She walked by and I said, Nice shirt. What I really meant was, Nice tits.”

“I don’t like tit for tat. I like tit for tit. Bring on the boobies!”

“I love women’s breasts. I love how they don’t blink when I stare at them.”

“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point to the text on my tee as the reason why they should oblige. It's not a once-a-year t-shirt, as I wear it every Tuesday.”

“I can’t remember the last time I had fun. Wait, yes I can. It was 1989, and I was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.”