“My asshole is supportive of me. No matter what, good or bad, it’s always right there behind me.”

“My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.”

“I’m not a good liar, and that makes me a good liar, because liars are bad, and bad liars are good.”

“My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.”

“Charity can be a good thing. But the only cause I’ll support is because. Don’t ask me why.”

“When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my rearview mirror, it’s like, Hey, a party! Especially if I’ve been drinking.”

“You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.”