“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”

“I’m growing an Abe Lincoln beard. On my ball sack.”

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.”

“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards in the world that grew north.”