“My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg's length, right below the knee.”

“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg below the knee. You’ll make lots of friends. You can even attach a bundle of straw at the end, like a broom, and apply to be a janitor.”

“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”

“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

“I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.”

“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.”

“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.”