“My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.”

“My favorite pen is my penis. Put my words in your mouth.”

“Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars of disposable income, I’d be a bestseller tomorrow. But would I be a better writer? No, I’d be a poorer writer—about $75,000 dollars poorer.”

“Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.”

“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.”

“I am the alligator of love. But I’d make better boots than a lover.”

“If I were stranded on a desert island, and could have only one person and three things with me, I’d want Nietzsche, a pen, paper, and a stick-on mustache.”