“My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.”

“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.”

“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired me. I thought “Dick Nose” was a delightfully cute name.”

“I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.”

“If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering people’s names—even if that person is me.”

“I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems. It’s just that I haven’t been the same since the Folgers fiasco of ‘04.”

“I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.”