“My cup is empty. I don’t think I’m wearing it in the right spot.”

“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.”

“I don’t like chili, unless I’m wearing a jacket.”

“If you see me sitting at a dining room table with a clean plate and bowl in front of me, you’ll know it’s because I’m a starving artist. I’m also thirsty, as my cup is also empty.”

“I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.”

“I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”