“My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.”

“My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So without teaching me, he taught me how to learn from others.”

“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?”

“Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I always run from my fears.”

“Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

“You know what I like most about people? Pets.
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“The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don't think he will.”