“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—murdered by his only son, leaving his vast estate to a daughter I didn’t know he had.”

“I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.”

“I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through the grass, the dirt, and his coffin lid.”

“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in my life, a day I don’t even remember, might define his own identity, and I didn’t want to make him cry.”

“I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!”

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.”