“My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.”

“I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.”

“My lips touched hers, like two butterflies in the wind. Then I went home, cut off my eyelids, and I’ve been living in darkness since.”

“I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical to him. It was such a sad dream that it made me drool out of my eyes.
”

“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”

“I can guess which car my boss drives. I’ll just look for the one with the hole in the back, like an asshole.”