“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.”

“My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.”

“My ex girlfriend was exquisite, and my current one is quisite.”

“I was reminded of my ex girlfriend the other day. It’s amazing that something as simple as a first and last name, identical to hers, could remind me of her. I wonder how Zelda McFelda is doing thee days.”

“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.”

“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.”

“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.”