“My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place.
”

“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before. It was almost more than I could swallow. Almost. 
”

“My crotch is the center of my body, but not the center of my being. That would be my asshole.”

“Eat a donut in the face, not its asshole.”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.”

“My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.”

“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.”