“My father is half man, half Zeus. That makes me one quarter fake God. But that's better than being one quarter nickel.”

“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter, which is about what this book is worth—give or take 25 cents.”

“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One Half Off deal. So he kept the full mustache, and gave me the half stache. It looks more like an eyebrow than a mustache.”

“I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest on money you lent out.”

“A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!”

“Free pyramids! Buy one, get one half buried.”

“What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?”