“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.”

“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.”

“Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.”

“My favorite thing isn’t being the favorite to win—it’s being the underdog.”

“Mustaches are not only fashion statements, but they’re useful for tickling vaginas.”

“Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.”

“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.”