“My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.”

“My name is my reputation. And all I have in this world is my name. Well, and my penis, which shoots out millions of other names.”

“You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.”

“A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for furniture instead of firewood.”

“I have pride in my name, because I have pride in myself. I do not represent my name—my name represents me.”

“Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.”

“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would be Nicholas Parks.”